One Block at a Time: Answering Your Child's Adoption Questions

Gladney Center for Adoption
Wednesday, 10 February 1999

Timmy loves playing with his building blocks. He stacks a few and then knocks them over . . . they all come toppling down. After much practice, Timmy builds a house and later a skyscraper. It all began with one block stacked atop another.

Fort Worth, Texas - Remember playing with blocks as a child . . . stacking one block after another? Most children begin by building simple foundations and end with complex structures. It all depends upon their age and ability.

The simple approach of "stacking blocks" is helpful when explaining adoption to an adopted child. Information is introduced one "block" at a time, giving the child the opportunity to absorb information gradually over many years. With this approach, parents begin building a foundation of trust and creating the structure in which their child will learn about adoption.

Pattye Hicks, Gladney's Director of Post Adoption, agrees. "A child's understanding of adoption is an ongoing process. Parents cannot tell their child his/her 'adoption story' and never talk about it again," Hicks says. "What children understand at age 4 is different from what they understand at age 14. When a child asks questions, adoptive parents must remember their child's age, the developmental stage of their child and what to expect in each stage."

For instance, a young child often asks, "Where did I come from?" The child is not asking for a lengthy explanation. Instead, adoptive parents should respond with a simple answer: "You came from Gladney or you came from St. Louis." Adoptive parents must be familiar with their child's development and be prepared to answer any likely questions.

It's okay for adoptive parents to not know the answer to a child's question; however, they should respond honestly. For example, a school-age child might ask, "What does my birth mother look like?" If a parent doesn't know, it's okay to say something like, "I don't know, but I bet she looks a lot like you."

Hicks says four developmental stages influence the questions and answers related to adoption. These stages are infancy, preschool years, school-age years and adolescence.

Parents begin telling 'adoption story' during infancy stage

Obviously, infants understand little about adoption. But during this stage of development, Hicks believes parents should begin to use the term adoption around their infant. "While holding and loving the baby, parents can say: 'We are so happy we adopted you and that you are a part of our family.' Although the infant cannot understand the words, the child can absorb the positive feelings," she says.

Professionals, such as psychotherapist Karen Benjack, believe that adoptive parents can gain comfort and confidence by talking to their child about adoption; they can practice their responses to inevitable questions. Benjack says it's during the infancy stage "as the baby sleeps and coos, that parents must begin to develop an adoption philosophy." This philosophy frames how a family will acknowledge and face their child's adoption questions.

Pat Johnston, author and adoption educator, says its a good idea for parents to practice; however the approach is not foolproof. "Don't expect your child, even as old as school-age, to have any understanding . . . it's repetitive jargon to them. Many parents think they're doing such a good job, but then become shocked by how little their child really understands. Parents still need to start early. If they don' practice, they're entirely too nervous and children pick up on it."

Hicks agrees that practicing helps adoptive parents become more comfortable with adoption issues. "Many of these children cannot remember when they were told that were adopted. Most of their parents began telling them during the infancy stage," she says.

As discussed in an information sheet from the National Adoption Information Clearinghourse, most professionals agree with Benjack, Johnston and Hicks; however, a few disagree. They believe infants do not need to hear statements about adoption, and that these verbal statements only harm the parent's feelings of entitlement. Instead, they feel parents should focus on the infant developing a sense of trust. These professionals believe, if there is an advantage, it's to the adoptive parent rather than their child.

Preschoolers ask simple, direct questions

A preschooler's understanding of adoption is as developmental as walking and talking - their understanding hasn't fully developed. As they develop physically and intellectually, a child's questions will range from simple to complex.

While in preschool, a child often becomes aware of pregnant women, causing them to begin questioning their own birth. They wonder, "Did I grow in Mommy's tummy?" Their question should be answered simply, "No. You didn't grow in Mommy's tummy, but I wish you did. You grew in your birth mom's tummy. But, we love you very much and are so excited that you are part of our family," Hicks says.

During this stage, Hicks notices a trend. Since many parents begin the telling of the "adoption story" at the child's placement, some preschoolers assume that they were either born or adopted. Hicks says it's important to help them "understand that they were born first and then adopted. Tell them that all children are born the same way."

A child may ask directly, "Was I born or adopted?" Adoptive parents should answer, "You were born first and then we adopted you. You were born in a hospital like everyone else. After your birth, your birth mother chose an adoption plan for you. We adopted you because she couldn't (give a reason). She loved you very much then, and she loves you very much now," Hicks says.

Books are also excellent resources when explaining adoption to a preschooler. Hick says adoption-related books and the child's life book are effective tools. Both allow for increased communication and understanding between adoptive parent and child. "We know that children enjoy having books read to them. Story time is a great opportunity to include the reading of some adoption-related books," she says.

Karen Lancaster, author of "Keys to Adopting a Child" and an adoptive parent, suggests parents create a life book for their child. This book, much like a scrapbook, helps record people and events throughout the child's life. The book includes photos of birth family members, the family before the child's adoption, the placement day, case workers, birthdays, etc.

Having a life book, helps the parent tell a child about their adoption simply, truthfully and accurately. Benjack says the book "conveys to the child that he/she was expected and planned for and well loved." Some children like to create their own books and choose important events to include; however, some parents make the book themselves and then the child views it.

"In either case, children at this age want to hear about themselves. They love to hear their own story. What a better way to help them understand about adoption than to have their own book," Hicks says.

School-age children focus on the details of adoption issues

School age children strive to understand more and know more about their adoption. Typically, they know the difference between their birth mother and Mommy; now they want to know the details of their adoption. Their questions include: "Why was I adopted? Who do I look like?"

During the school-age years, an adopted child centers on these core issues; however, the child is not preoccupied by the issue of adoption. "Adoptive parents assume that their child gets up everyday thinking, "I am adopted!' It's just not so . . . children have way too many other interests," Hick says.

A child in this age group often don't want their adoption discussed freely with others; parents should respect their child's wishes. In any event, Hicks believes parents should never share details about their child's adoption and birth parents outside of the immediate family. "Parents don't want someone else knowing something about their child that the child doesn't even know yet."

Lois Melina, author, adoptive parent and newsletter editor ("Adopted Child") stresses that "information about children's birth families and pre-adoption histories should never be shared with those outside the family, unless it's needed for a child's professional care. Parents who provide that information without discretion are violating their children's privacy, regardless of whether the information is positive or negative."

As an adopted child enters school, many face their first hurtful comments. Role playing is essential to preparing a child for such encounters. For example, a schoolmate may say, "She's not your real mother!" After coaching, the adopted child is ready to reply, "Well, who do you think she is then. She is my Mommy and she is waiting for me at home."

Often, the school-age stage is the first time parents, particularly mothers, hear the statement, "You are not my real mother so why do I have to do this." Adoptive parents shouldn't take this statement personally. They should diffuse the situation at its first opportunity. The child is merely trying to push "buttons." Instead of reacting, she should respond, "I look very real to me."

Adolescents seek answers relating to identity

During the teen years, many changes occur both physically and emotionally. It's a time when adolescents are struggling with their own identity. When combined with adoption issues, the question, "Who am I?" is crucial.

Adopted teenagers yearn for the truth. They need to know all of the available information about their birth and adoption. At this stage, all papers, names, places and events of their adoption should be shared. If the information is not shared, Johnston says "parents risk their teenager feeling betrayed and the teenager considers their parents not trustworthy."

"When difficult truths are conveyed in a loving and supportive manner, teenagers cope well and without trauma. Typically, they are pleased to start filling in the gaps through knowledge," Hicks said.

The Gladney Center for Adoption can also help. Many teenagers attend support groups, tour the campus and visit with a birth mother. "A trip to Gladney is a wonderful tool, especially if the teenager doesn't have a letter from a birth parent. Often it's beneficial for them to visit with a birth mother and hear her personal story," she said.

Obviously, adoptive parents aspire for their child to grow up being comfortable with adoption. To be successful, adoption discussions don't need to occur with scheduled frequency; however, it's essential that parents encourage adoption communication throughout the stages of development. This exchange allows children the opportunity to ask questions and parents to provide facts.

By introducing information little by little - stacking blocks one atop another - children are likely to better understand difficult adoption ideas. Parents should begin the on-going process during infancy and continue throughout the years.

For Timmy, he started with a mere foundation and finished with a complex structure. The approach is simple: one day at time, one question at a time, one "block" at a time.

For more information, or to contact Gladney Center for Adoption, see their website at: www.ednagladney.org